Is He enough? Is He worth it?

I've just come back from 3 straight weeks of Super Summer...it was the most intense 3 weeks of my life, but I learned a lot from God as well.
The theme for Super Summer was Called, from Hebrews 11:8:
"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."

Sometimes God calls us to step out and trust Him...that's what faith is. One night the speaker talked about taking risks for Jesus, and I was again reminded of how non-risky a person I am. Those closest to me know I'm a safe, planned person, and lack in the area of spontaneity. This struck a chord in my spirit. Could me always being safe be putting God in a box? Could He be calling me to take risks for Him? I think I've already stepped out and taken the biggest risk of my life...moving to Dallas where in a month I have No job, No place to live, and NOT enough money to pay for school. Is He worth it?

That's been the biggest question in my life the past 3 weeks...Is He worth it? If I were to lose everything I have, is God enough? If I NEVER Ever get married, would God be enough? If all the plans I have failed, would God be enough for me?

The easy answer is "yes." The honest answer is, "I'm not sure, but I want Him to be."

I just want more of Jesus, so He becomes enough for me...He IS worth it, I just have to get past my selfish sinful desires...much easier said than done.

Little Drummer Boy

I went to 2 Christmas concerts this weekend, and God's really shown me a lot about what this season is all about. I want to share with you how one Christmas song really touched me: The Little Drummer Boy.

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.

As 33 miles was singing this song, the lyrics really hit me for the first time. Often I sing songs over and over again and never concentrate on what the words mean. This song really is about bringing your best to God, whatever gift that might be. This boy thinks he has nothing of worth to give to Jesus...have you ever been there? I know I have many times. I feel like I have nothing to give Him that would benefit Him, nothing He hasn't seen before. Then this little boy plays his drum, a simple thing he probably really enjoys doing. After he plays, Jesus nods at him. How awesome is that imagery?! Jesus is pleased with the song...played on a simple drum. How can I think I have no gift to bring Jesus, and be so negative about what God has truly blessed me with. I pray this Christmas, and really the rest of my life, I'll play my drum for Him, the best I can, and He'll be pleased with it! That's my prayer for you as well.

I am so Selfish...

Over the past 24 hours I've been pondering the fact that I am being selfish. Maybe not in the sense of always wanting something, but in always thinking about ME. I've fallen into the trap of comparing MY schedule and MY tiredness and MY to-do lists with everyone else. In reality, who cares? I was talking with my boss about this, and she said the best thing is to not even dwell on the comparison game, because it really doesn't matter and accomplishes nothing.
I think often when people start talking about how busy they are and all they have to do, it is just a cry for attention, and I do it too. Lately, it's mostly been in my head, because I know in a leadership position I can't talk about me all the time. But, I've started thinking all the time about how much more I have to do than you, and am struggling with being all here right now. I found these verses in the Bible that helped:

"A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed. People curse the man who hoards grain, but blessing crowns him who is willing to sell. He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it. Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf. " -Proverbs 11:25-28

I truly am refreshed when I refresh others, just lately I have not been doing it like I should. I'm sorry for this, and I pray God continues to give me the strength I need to be the encourager that glorifies Him. I'm continuously reminded: it's not about me!

He is everything

So, something I've been learning recently is about how great God truly is. For so long I think I've put God in this box, and I only let certain sides of Him come out when it is convenient for me. I'm seeing how He can be so many things to so many people all at the same time. I'm going through a book called "Knowing God by Name," and each day there's a different name for God and what characteristics that name entails.

Another scripture that has really started meaning more to me is Psalm 23. I think I've always just thought of it as a funeral passage, and never really looked at what it means:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

As I read through this the bolded words really stick out to me. I've seen how all these things God can be for us. Whether we need someone to shepherd us or to just rest in him. He leads us and restores us. He can comfort and anoint us. And we can dwell in him.

This is just a little part of what God is teaching me...as I dwell in Christ so he can anoint me for the tasks I have to do.

Solitude

So, I'm really bad at this blogging thing. Mostly because I don't have much time to do it. My ministry has definitely picked up since school has started. I work around 14 hours a day many days, so by the time I get home I'm just ready to go to bed. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy what I'm doing- I absolutely love it! I don't have any clear direction of where I'll be after this, but I know this is where God wants me right now. Through all this "productivity" (I hate saying I'm busy, because who isn't?), God has been teaching me a lot about solitude lately.
I think most of us think of solitude and we picture just sitting by yourself, not speaking and not thinking about anything. I don't know about you, but this thought scares me! I love being with people, and I do not like silence. Last night at a meeting we talked about the discipline of solitude, and how we can do different things to experience solitude. Here is a quote that really meant a lot to me:
"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community...Let him who is not in community beware of being alone...Each by itself has profound pitfalls and perils. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair." -Deitrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

This quote got me, because I am a people-person, sometimes I look down on the idea of being alone. I remember at the beginning of the semester I didn't like the idea of living alone. Now, I see the importance. If I don't spend enough time by myself, I will have nothing to pour into others. Just like the Habitude image of a Starving Baker. I definitely struggle with this, and am going to to be intentional about spending some time alone with God- hopefully on a walk.

Just some food for thought.

...the Lord determines your steps

So, I am at the end of my first week as Campus Missionary at UMHB...and I'm loving it! That's not to say that it hasn't been stressful and surprising, because it has. I wasn't able to move in until a day after I got here, then my air conditioner was broken and didn't get fixed until yesterday. So, it wasn't until last night that I really got to start putting my stuff up- it was just way too hot for me to be in here too long. There's one verse that has continuously been brought to my mind this week: "In his heart a man plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9) I think this is becoming my theme verse for the year!
I am a planner, so for a lot of areas in my life I tend to plan what needs to happen. But, sometimes we can have it all planned out perfectly in our mind, but God has a master plan that is way better. I pray that this year I'll be able to step back some. I know planning is important, and it's good to have some kind of plan for the future, but there comes a point where you just need to let God work. I know what I would like my plans to be after this year, but I'm trusting God with my future and know that He is directing my steps!

A Surrendered Summer

Well, today I finished my summer job, and it's so bittersweet. It has not seemed like a job at all to me, because when I think of a job I think of HAVING to go to work and doing stuff. To me, this summer I got to put my passion into use. I got to meet lots of college freshman and get to know them. I got to work with some amazing ministers and meet some people that I truly look up to and respect, whom I hope to work with in the future. When I was in the office I got to talk through facebook and email to even more freshman- it was amazing.
I've been pondering the summer and trying to figure out how God has planned it all out. Obviously I don't know what will come from it in the future, but I can tell you what God has taught me. I think one word could describe what God's taught me this summer: SURRENDER
Looking back over my journals, it seems to be a continuous theme. This summer God has called me to surrender. Surrender my plans, or ruin me if you will :) Surrender my ideas of what is best for me. Surrender my standards. Surrender who I am trying to become so that God can mold me into who He wants me to become.
I'm so glad I know what the next year holds, and I am so looking forward to serving as Campus Missionary. But, in the back of my mind are the questions of what's after that. Grad School? Ministry position? Missionary? Marriage? They are all questions I have no answer to, and at this time God has given me a peace about it. I've surrendered it to Him, and pray He will continue to just show me the one piece at a time that I need. Hopefully my puzzle will start to make some sense soon!


All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender ALL!